Me Before, Me After

So yesterday I had the worst scare ever! I'm going about my business when I got a call that changed the course of my deceptively regular looking day. My Dr. calls me to tell me that my blood test results from the previous day's physical were drastically abnormal and that it could be cancer, internal bleeding you name it. She also said that if I didn't immediately act on getting my tests re-done I could die. I felt like I was falling into an abyss. I'm listening but not processing. Then after dropping this bomb on me she asks me how I feel.

How do I feel? Like all hell is breaking loose. So race out of my office and jump in to the first cab I see and head to the emergency room. All the while crying and calling my mom, Zeen, Vic, everyone and going the thru all the stages of grief.

Denial: This is a fluke. This isn't happening
Anger: This is bullshit!! I'm getting married!! I have a house!! What the fuck!! My hair is growing so nice I can't lose it!!
Bargaining: I will workout every single day if this isn't what I think it is.
Depression: Why is this happening to me? It's all over.
Acceptance: I need to get my affairs in order. I need to write a will.

So I get to the emergency room. I register, I wait, I get called. I get my gear off and slap on a hospital gown. The doctor takes my history. The nurse attempts to take my blood. Numerous times since apparently my veins went on strike and refused to cooperate. So now I'm nicely bruised from the numerous pokings. They attach an IV thingy to me. The Dr gets the blood they need and then I wait.

And wait.
And wait.
And wait.

I try to take my mind off things by listening to comforting music, reading my magazine, etc. But the nagging idea that my body has betrayed me still lingered. I was frightened. What was I going to do? Were they going to admit me? I never ever had this experience before. Then I started thinking about how folks talk about a pre & post 9/11 mentality. How your views on life & safety were on 9//10/01 and what they became on 9/12/01. I thought of how one event can change everything. Like chaos theory and how the fluttering wings of a butterfly can cause a typhoon on the opposite side of the world. Well I was in a chaos tornado while sitting on that gurney and it looked like there was no way out of it. I knew then that I had a 8:30 am mentality versus a 9:30 am mentality.

My mom arrives and I regressed to the age of 5. I was so happy to see her. I felt a little tiny bit better. Then we wait together. Finally, after a few hours the Dr. comes with my results.

And it was all a lab error. I was too happy to be angry about the amount of time I spent in utter fear. I had never been so happy to have my time wasted in all my life.


Of course, I get a voicemail from my Primary Care Physician saying that she wants me to do it all again in 2 weeks since it may be a good/bad fluxuation type of thing and be on the look out for various symptoms. So now every creaky joint, skipped heartbeat, and sweaty brow is suspect.

I remain vigilant since my body could attack at any time. *Sigh*

Later....