Livid

I got the call that I had been dreading this morning around 6 am this morning. It was my Sands A telling me that TT was gone. TT was my Sands and sister. She was like blood to me for so long and then......cancer. She came up with the flawed ass logic of pushin everyone who loved and cared for her away. Myself included. Now that she's finally gone I have feel nothing but intense anger and deep sadness. It's like how dare you fucking die and not even give me of all people the chance to look at you and tell you how much you meant to me. How dare you not fight and just fucking give up? How can you be so fucking selfish? Where the fuck do you get off ignoring my fucking calls and texts like I'm some sort of nuisance for loving you and wanting to make sure you were ok? I thought of all people I meant more to you than that.

She was always selfish, thoughtless and controlling and this is just one giant display of it. It was part of the package with her. But I loved her anyway. Never mind that she could be rude and surly for no fucking reason or that she wore anger like a shield. Even all the way to the end.

Now I'm just angry and my phone won't stop pinging with texts. Right now I mostly wish that she'd thought enough of me to let me be one of the few people in her life. I wish she had let me in so I could make her laugh and be her booster. I wish she would have let me tell her she could win the fight with just a bit more faith and less anger.

Seriously TT, fuck you for leaving me this way. I am so so so angry at you and I want nothing more than to stop being angry. Because we both know that anger just metastasizes like the cancer that took you from me.